This past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years of my life. Challenges have come in terms of family and personal struggles. The rewards have been in professional growth. I have found this in and of itself to be time of growth yet painful at the same time.
The challenges have come through the health of my parents and Jill’s sister. One of the more painful things I’ve watched is the deterioration of my Mom. She struggles with Alzheimer’s and there are times where she forgets my children’s name. While they handle this with grace, which makes me so proud as a Dad, my heart breaks. She has always been one of the brightest women I’ve ever known. She’s always been sharp in terms of insight and intellect. She finished her ungraduate degree in less than four years and finished her Master’s degree Summa Cum Laude. Watching her struggle to connect with my family and them not experience her as I’ve always known her is devastating at times. I’m so thankful for her and her influence in my life.
My respect for my Dad has grown immensely through this year while my heart has hurt over his cancer diagnosis. My Dad was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. It has been quite aggressive. In June he lost a kidney due to it along with having four tumors removed from his bladder. In four weeks I drove over 4400 miles on trips to Cleveland Clinic and my parents house to help with care for Dad. There have been other trips to Cleveland as well. He has had numerous procedures through the year along with treatment. It has been quite a journey for him and it will continue. My respect for him has grown immensely in and through this as I learn from and watch him as he serves as the primary caregiver for my Mom. We’ve had so many conversations through this year that I will cherish forever. He has expressed so much about his love for Mom and his concern for her. I have learned from watching him live this out about how to hopefully be a better husband in the future. It truly is for better or worse and in sickness and health that we love our spouse. My Dad has embodied this for me in vivid ways.
On top of all happening with my parents my sister in law was diagnosed with Colon Cancer this past fall. This is Jill’s little sister. They shared the same room growing up and are close. She had not been feeling well so Jill took her the ER and through this a mass was discovered on her colon. This lead to a resection and was followed by chemotherapy. She battled and is now in remission. It was quite a scary time for us and Jill’s family. God has used this Cancer in many ways her her life and her husband’s life for which I’m thankful for. HE has restored their marriage and more importantly I’ve seen growth in HIM in each, especially her.
With these things I’ve found myself to have struggled personally in different ways. As I walked through this year I found myself frustrated with care I fealt I didn’t receive from those around me who demand so much from me. As I serve there is endless demands at times yet no expressions of care or gratitude and in this I found myself wounded yet the wounds were self-inflicted because of my self-centered desire. So I had to wage war over this sin in my heart because it was rooted in selfishness and not springing from a heart that was focused and finding rest in Christ. That was not an easy task and I still find times where repentance is needed. I want my heart to be grateful to and humbled by HIM. I then want this to be expressed in my life. Yet I fail miserably at this. I’m thankful for HIS continued graciousness to me in this and so many other areas of my life where I fail in such ways.
As all of this transpired personally, along with other struggles that I will not mention. Things at a Covenant have gone well. We’ve experienced growth in many ways. We did not see the number of people embrace Jesus as Savior as I had hoped but we saw growth in those who did and saw growth in our attendance. I have learned through this that I must be laser focused on certain things and allow these to drive me forward in an attempt to keep pressing toward HIM. I learned to be more patient with those around me and understand that some have HIM as a focus and some focus on their preference and self-interest yet to work with and seek growth in HIM in all. This is a work in progress as is any attempt to be a shepherd and leader. My prayer is that I may serve well and fail well. In service HE is glorified. As I fail, which seems so often, I pray HE will be gracious and that HE will continue to develop the humility I so desperately lack so that HE will be gloried as well.
My heart has ached. My heart has been humbled in many ways. My heart has grown as well. May HE be honored in it all. Soli Deo Gloria.
