Thankful

So this is not really some Thanksgiving inspired post. Not many read this blog and that is perfectly fine. This is more of an exercise of faith for me than anything. It just so happens that as I had to discipline Caleb tonight it reminded me of how hard thankfulness really is. I'm truly thankful to have him. I'm thankful that I had to walk through his abuse case alone for most of the time. I'm thankful that I'm continually reminded of my need and weakness.

I'm so thankful that I have the honor of being Caleb's Dad (I say the same of being Chloe and Caitlyn's Daddy, they are so beautiful). He frustrates me with his constant drive to compete, everything is a competition with him. Yet I find that quality admirable because not everybody has that. He upsets me when he acts rashly. Yet I find it wonderful that when we talk it through and then consider the consequences that he gets upset that he acted that way. In the end I'm always astounded by the gift he is and that he is in my life.

I thought I'd never say this but I'm thankful that I had to walk through Caleb's abuse case. It was the most hellish and alienated time I've ever been through. I struggled to trust God, family, and friends. Even today in times of frustration in life the enemy seems to bring back thoughts of this time. I struggled with God yet HIS sovereignty and grace were so huge that I could do nothing but fall on my face crying constantly before HIM, I cried what seemed to be gallons of tears. Jill and I didn't communicate much at all we just subsisted which was a lack of leadership on my part. We made dumb decisions about eating out all the time because we just didn't want to cook or think, we would charge things, we gained weight, things we struggle with to this day. I failed her in this. My family never really knew what to do and therefore never really checked on me, no visits, few calls. My friends seemed at a loss, this lead to an alienation. The one exception was my Dad who had no idea what to say but would just call, that was needed. He said the one thing I wanted to hear from family and friends, "I'll come down there and take care of that man.". Nobody said that except my Dad. He didn't know I was having nightly dreams where the scenario always ended up with me killing that man. He didn't know I would wake up crying because I was heartbroken that my heart, as a lover of Jesus, would go to that point. I just needed to hear it. The most important thing my Dad did was tell me he loved me, as he always has, every time we talked. I just needed that. I needed to be pushed to fight for my heart and Jake Mason did that. He pushed me to love my wife and that was needed. I got mad at him but was always thankful for his care and concern. I needed someone to offer to go with me when the Assistant District Attorney said she wanted me to come to the trial and eventually say something and Greg Bowers did that. I didn't need profound words, I needed a ministry of presence. More than anything I found the depths of the grace of God expressed in the gospel beyond compare through walking through this. In these depths I found solace in my tears and strength in the midst of my fears. By falling on my face and resting in HIS completed work I found a bedrock of hope in the midst of the darkest of times. I'm thankful for all of this.

I'm reminded of my need in that I need the grace of God more today than at any point in my life. I need it as a husband, father, and servant of the body of Christ. As a husband I find myself inept in how I care for Jill. As a father I find myself lacking everyday. As a pastor I agonize over the words I share and yet find they fall woefully short and fall on hearts that do not heed. I want to love well but in each case I fall short. By this I find that it doesn't cause me to presume upon HIS grace but to fall upon HIM in my weakness needing HIS grace and strength.

So in the midst of this I find that thankfulness is not easy. It is hard. Thanksgiving Day, the turkey and shopping, the gluttony of it all, is easy. True thankfulness comes by means of grace and grace has never come flippantly. There is so much more that could be said but I can say I'm thankful. Truly thankful this night.

Quote for Herman Witsius

For no one teaches well, who has not first learned aright. No one has learned aright, who has not learned for the purpose of teaching others. And both are useless, unless reduced to practice. (Herman Witsius, The Character of Genuine Theologian)