My life is nothing I thought it would be. I never expected to be or do all that I am and have done. To have this life is something that humbles me. To live this life is something I don’t take lightly. Through it all I live in awe of the one that has granted it and I stand amazed to serve HIM.
Each Sunday I’m blown away by the privilege and the weight of the task that is before me in preaching. The privilege to speak of the glories of the One who saved me and sustains me and seeks to do the same for others who would believe astounds me. The weight of the responsibility that has been given in this task I feel daily. Yet each time and each week the weight is overwhelmed in the worship that wells up in the preparation and during the delivery of that which has been agonized and prayed over.
I have no regrets in this call and the pressure of wanting to serve well in it. I could never imagine doing anything else. Yet there are times it can be overwhelming in so many ways. It’s in those times I rest in HIS graciousness and mercy and found how big HE is and how much I desperately need HIM. So I cling, I beg, I pray, I strive, and in it all I fall and find HE is my all and that is perfect.
My biggest concerns come in wanting to make sure HE is glorified and served in a way that honors HIM along with wanting to see my children grow to want to do the same. In this I have a helpmate that I treasure and love with all my heart. She walks with me in a way that no other could or would. She is my best friend. I pray daily for her and our children, for their protection, for the growth in Christ, for fruit to be born in their lives. Yet my heart is burdened to know they carry the weight of my position and I can do nothing about that. I pray that weight is not a burden but that which is used in their continual refinement in HIM. Oh, may they serve and stand for HIM in a way that glorifies HIM and impacts lives!
My life is nothing I thought it would be. My hope is that in the grind of each day I may live passionately and invest in others well. I pray that who I am will forever reflect Who HE is.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Friday, January 12, 2018
Thoughts on 2017
This past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years of my life. Challenges have come in terms of family and personal struggles. The rewards have been in professional growth. I have found this in and of itself to be time of growth yet painful at the same time.
The challenges have come through the health of my parents and Jill’s sister. One of the more painful things I’ve watched is the deterioration of my Mom. She struggles with Alzheimer’s and there are times where she forgets my children’s name. While they handle this with grace, which makes me so proud as a Dad, my heart breaks. She has always been one of the brightest women I’ve ever known. She’s always been sharp in terms of insight and intellect. She finished her ungraduate degree in less than four years and finished her Master’s degree Summa Cum Laude. Watching her struggle to connect with my family and them not experience her as I’ve always known her is devastating at times. I’m so thankful for her and her influence in my life.
My respect for my Dad has grown immensely through this year while my heart has hurt over his cancer diagnosis. My Dad was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. It has been quite aggressive. In June he lost a kidney due to it along with having four tumors removed from his bladder. In four weeks I drove over 4400 miles on trips to Cleveland Clinic and my parents house to help with care for Dad. There have been other trips to Cleveland as well. He has had numerous procedures through the year along with treatment. It has been quite a journey for him and it will continue. My respect for him has grown immensely in and through this as I learn from and watch him as he serves as the primary caregiver for my Mom. We’ve had so many conversations through this year that I will cherish forever. He has expressed so much about his love for Mom and his concern for her. I have learned from watching him live this out about how to hopefully be a better husband in the future. It truly is for better or worse and in sickness and health that we love our spouse. My Dad has embodied this for me in vivid ways.
On top of all happening with my parents my sister in law was diagnosed with Colon Cancer this past fall. This is Jill’s little sister. They shared the same room growing up and are close. She had not been feeling well so Jill took her the ER and through this a mass was discovered on her colon. This lead to a resection and was followed by chemotherapy. She battled and is now in remission. It was quite a scary time for us and Jill’s family. God has used this Cancer in many ways her her life and her husband’s life for which I’m thankful for. HE has restored their marriage and more importantly I’ve seen growth in HIM in each, especially her.
With these things I’ve found myself to have struggled personally in different ways. As I walked through this year I found myself frustrated with care I fealt I didn’t receive from those around me who demand so much from me. As I serve there is endless demands at times yet no expressions of care or gratitude and in this I found myself wounded yet the wounds were self-inflicted because of my self-centered desire. So I had to wage war over this sin in my heart because it was rooted in selfishness and not springing from a heart that was focused and finding rest in Christ. That was not an easy task and I still find times where repentance is needed. I want my heart to be grateful to and humbled by HIM. I then want this to be expressed in my life. Yet I fail miserably at this. I’m thankful for HIS continued graciousness to me in this and so many other areas of my life where I fail in such ways.
As all of this transpired personally, along with other struggles that I will not mention. Things at a Covenant have gone well. We’ve experienced growth in many ways. We did not see the number of people embrace Jesus as Savior as I had hoped but we saw growth in those who did and saw growth in our attendance. I have learned through this that I must be laser focused on certain things and allow these to drive me forward in an attempt to keep pressing toward HIM. I learned to be more patient with those around me and understand that some have HIM as a focus and some focus on their preference and self-interest yet to work with and seek growth in HIM in all. This is a work in progress as is any attempt to be a shepherd and leader. My prayer is that I may serve well and fail well. In service HE is glorified. As I fail, which seems so often, I pray HE will be gracious and that HE will continue to develop the humility I so desperately lack so that HE will be gloried as well.
My heart has ached. My heart has been humbled in many ways. My heart has grown as well. May HE be honored in it all. Soli Deo Gloria.
The challenges have come through the health of my parents and Jill’s sister. One of the more painful things I’ve watched is the deterioration of my Mom. She struggles with Alzheimer’s and there are times where she forgets my children’s name. While they handle this with grace, which makes me so proud as a Dad, my heart breaks. She has always been one of the brightest women I’ve ever known. She’s always been sharp in terms of insight and intellect. She finished her ungraduate degree in less than four years and finished her Master’s degree Summa Cum Laude. Watching her struggle to connect with my family and them not experience her as I’ve always known her is devastating at times. I’m so thankful for her and her influence in my life.
My respect for my Dad has grown immensely through this year while my heart has hurt over his cancer diagnosis. My Dad was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. It has been quite aggressive. In June he lost a kidney due to it along with having four tumors removed from his bladder. In four weeks I drove over 4400 miles on trips to Cleveland Clinic and my parents house to help with care for Dad. There have been other trips to Cleveland as well. He has had numerous procedures through the year along with treatment. It has been quite a journey for him and it will continue. My respect for him has grown immensely in and through this as I learn from and watch him as he serves as the primary caregiver for my Mom. We’ve had so many conversations through this year that I will cherish forever. He has expressed so much about his love for Mom and his concern for her. I have learned from watching him live this out about how to hopefully be a better husband in the future. It truly is for better or worse and in sickness and health that we love our spouse. My Dad has embodied this for me in vivid ways.
On top of all happening with my parents my sister in law was diagnosed with Colon Cancer this past fall. This is Jill’s little sister. They shared the same room growing up and are close. She had not been feeling well so Jill took her the ER and through this a mass was discovered on her colon. This lead to a resection and was followed by chemotherapy. She battled and is now in remission. It was quite a scary time for us and Jill’s family. God has used this Cancer in many ways her her life and her husband’s life for which I’m thankful for. HE has restored their marriage and more importantly I’ve seen growth in HIM in each, especially her.
With these things I’ve found myself to have struggled personally in different ways. As I walked through this year I found myself frustrated with care I fealt I didn’t receive from those around me who demand so much from me. As I serve there is endless demands at times yet no expressions of care or gratitude and in this I found myself wounded yet the wounds were self-inflicted because of my self-centered desire. So I had to wage war over this sin in my heart because it was rooted in selfishness and not springing from a heart that was focused and finding rest in Christ. That was not an easy task and I still find times where repentance is needed. I want my heart to be grateful to and humbled by HIM. I then want this to be expressed in my life. Yet I fail miserably at this. I’m thankful for HIS continued graciousness to me in this and so many other areas of my life where I fail in such ways.
As all of this transpired personally, along with other struggles that I will not mention. Things at a Covenant have gone well. We’ve experienced growth in many ways. We did not see the number of people embrace Jesus as Savior as I had hoped but we saw growth in those who did and saw growth in our attendance. I have learned through this that I must be laser focused on certain things and allow these to drive me forward in an attempt to keep pressing toward HIM. I learned to be more patient with those around me and understand that some have HIM as a focus and some focus on their preference and self-interest yet to work with and seek growth in HIM in all. This is a work in progress as is any attempt to be a shepherd and leader. My prayer is that I may serve well and fail well. In service HE is glorified. As I fail, which seems so often, I pray HE will be gracious and that HE will continue to develop the humility I so desperately lack so that HE will be gloried as well.
My heart has ached. My heart has been humbled in many ways. My heart has grown as well. May HE be honored in it all. Soli Deo Gloria.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Thankful
So this is not really some Thanksgiving inspired post. Not many read this blog and that is perfectly fine. This is more of an exercise of faith for me than anything. It just so happens that as I had to discipline Caleb tonight it reminded me of how hard thankfulness really is. I'm truly thankful to have him. I'm thankful that I had to walk through his abuse case alone for most of the time. I'm thankful that I'm continually reminded of my need and weakness.
I'm so thankful that I have the honor of being Caleb's Dad (I say the same of being Chloe and Caitlyn's Daddy, they are so beautiful). He frustrates me with his constant drive to compete, everything is a competition with him. Yet I find that quality admirable because not everybody has that. He upsets me when he acts rashly. Yet I find it wonderful that when we talk it through and then consider the consequences that he gets upset that he acted that way. In the end I'm always astounded by the gift he is and that he is in my life.
I thought I'd never say this but I'm thankful that I had to walk through Caleb's abuse case. It was the most hellish and alienated time I've ever been through. I struggled to trust God, family, and friends. Even today in times of frustration in life the enemy seems to bring back thoughts of this time. I struggled with God yet HIS sovereignty and grace were so huge that I could do nothing but fall on my face crying constantly before HIM, I cried what seemed to be gallons of tears. Jill and I didn't communicate much at all we just subsisted which was a lack of leadership on my part. We made dumb decisions about eating out all the time because we just didn't want to cook or think, we would charge things, we gained weight, things we struggle with to this day. I failed her in this. My family never really knew what to do and therefore never really checked on me, no visits, few calls. My friends seemed at a loss, this lead to an alienation. The one exception was my Dad who had no idea what to say but would just call, that was needed. He said the one thing I wanted to hear from family and friends, "I'll come down there and take care of that man.". Nobody said that except my Dad. He didn't know I was having nightly dreams where the scenario always ended up with me killing that man. He didn't know I would wake up crying because I was heartbroken that my heart, as a lover of Jesus, would go to that point. I just needed to hear it. The most important thing my Dad did was tell me he loved me, as he always has, every time we talked. I just needed that. I needed to be pushed to fight for my heart and Jake Mason did that. He pushed me to love my wife and that was needed. I got mad at him but was always thankful for his care and concern. I needed someone to offer to go with me when the Assistant District Attorney said she wanted me to come to the trial and eventually say something and Greg Bowers did that. I didn't need profound words, I needed a ministry of presence. More than anything I found the depths of the grace of God expressed in the gospel beyond compare through walking through this. In these depths I found solace in my tears and strength in the midst of my fears. By falling on my face and resting in HIS completed work I found a bedrock of hope in the midst of the darkest of times. I'm thankful for all of this.
I'm reminded of my need in that I need the grace of God more today than at any point in my life. I need it as a husband, father, and servant of the body of Christ. As a husband I find myself inept in how I care for Jill. As a father I find myself lacking everyday. As a pastor I agonize over the words I share and yet find they fall woefully short and fall on hearts that do not heed. I want to love well but in each case I fall short. By this I find that it doesn't cause me to presume upon HIS grace but to fall upon HIM in my weakness needing HIS grace and strength.
So in the midst of this I find that thankfulness is not easy. It is hard. Thanksgiving Day, the turkey and shopping, the gluttony of it all, is easy. True thankfulness comes by means of grace and grace has never come flippantly. There is so much more that could be said but I can say I'm thankful. Truly thankful this night.
I'm so thankful that I have the honor of being Caleb's Dad (I say the same of being Chloe and Caitlyn's Daddy, they are so beautiful). He frustrates me with his constant drive to compete, everything is a competition with him. Yet I find that quality admirable because not everybody has that. He upsets me when he acts rashly. Yet I find it wonderful that when we talk it through and then consider the consequences that he gets upset that he acted that way. In the end I'm always astounded by the gift he is and that he is in my life.
I thought I'd never say this but I'm thankful that I had to walk through Caleb's abuse case. It was the most hellish and alienated time I've ever been through. I struggled to trust God, family, and friends. Even today in times of frustration in life the enemy seems to bring back thoughts of this time. I struggled with God yet HIS sovereignty and grace were so huge that I could do nothing but fall on my face crying constantly before HIM, I cried what seemed to be gallons of tears. Jill and I didn't communicate much at all we just subsisted which was a lack of leadership on my part. We made dumb decisions about eating out all the time because we just didn't want to cook or think, we would charge things, we gained weight, things we struggle with to this day. I failed her in this. My family never really knew what to do and therefore never really checked on me, no visits, few calls. My friends seemed at a loss, this lead to an alienation. The one exception was my Dad who had no idea what to say but would just call, that was needed. He said the one thing I wanted to hear from family and friends, "I'll come down there and take care of that man.". Nobody said that except my Dad. He didn't know I was having nightly dreams where the scenario always ended up with me killing that man. He didn't know I would wake up crying because I was heartbroken that my heart, as a lover of Jesus, would go to that point. I just needed to hear it. The most important thing my Dad did was tell me he loved me, as he always has, every time we talked. I just needed that. I needed to be pushed to fight for my heart and Jake Mason did that. He pushed me to love my wife and that was needed. I got mad at him but was always thankful for his care and concern. I needed someone to offer to go with me when the Assistant District Attorney said she wanted me to come to the trial and eventually say something and Greg Bowers did that. I didn't need profound words, I needed a ministry of presence. More than anything I found the depths of the grace of God expressed in the gospel beyond compare through walking through this. In these depths I found solace in my tears and strength in the midst of my fears. By falling on my face and resting in HIS completed work I found a bedrock of hope in the midst of the darkest of times. I'm thankful for all of this.
I'm reminded of my need in that I need the grace of God more today than at any point in my life. I need it as a husband, father, and servant of the body of Christ. As a husband I find myself inept in how I care for Jill. As a father I find myself lacking everyday. As a pastor I agonize over the words I share and yet find they fall woefully short and fall on hearts that do not heed. I want to love well but in each case I fall short. By this I find that it doesn't cause me to presume upon HIS grace but to fall upon HIM in my weakness needing HIS grace and strength.
So in the midst of this I find that thankfulness is not easy. It is hard. Thanksgiving Day, the turkey and shopping, the gluttony of it all, is easy. True thankfulness comes by means of grace and grace has never come flippantly. There is so much more that could be said but I can say I'm thankful. Truly thankful this night.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Quote for Herman Witsius
For no one teaches well, who has not first learned aright. No one has learned aright, who has not learned for the purpose of teaching others. And both are useless, unless reduced to practice. (Herman Witsius, The Character of Genuine Theologian)
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Quote from Michael Horton
I do not believe the gospel because I believe in God; rather, I believe in God because of the gospel (Pilgrim Theology)
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
David Powlison's definition of Sanctification
Sanctification is the meeting of two unfathomable riches. It's the meeting of the human condition with all its complication with the Savior of the world in all his truth and mercy. (in an interview by TGC)
Thursday, September 5, 2013
thought for the day
When counseling I find myself woefully inadequate. It is in moments like this I find HIM most fully sufficient. So here is my counseling theory for the day:
1) Cling to the Cross
2) Listen well
3) Our Counsel should never leave the Cross - we must saturate ourselves in the Word
4) Apply the Gospel well to my heart first
5) Seek to help those in need to apply the Gospel well
6) Glory in the Gospel
I have found much solace in books from Paul Tripp, Tim Lane, Tim Chester, Elyse Fitzpatrick, and others. I enjoy The Journal for Biblical Counseling and find it good for my soul. I have gained much from the counsel of a friend who is a counselor, Jake Mason. Yet nothing has affected me more than the beauty of the Gospel!
The beauty of the Gospel is that HE never changes. Our response to HIM is the same, repent and believe, which is easy said than done and is why I find myself in constant need. Oh Lord let me ever cling to You! May I always cling to You! May any and all counsel sought from me reflect You above all else! Thank You for Your all sufficiency displayed so beautifully in the Gospel!
1) Cling to the Cross
2) Listen well
3) Our Counsel should never leave the Cross - we must saturate ourselves in the Word
4) Apply the Gospel well to my heart first
5) Seek to help those in need to apply the Gospel well
6) Glory in the Gospel
I have found much solace in books from Paul Tripp, Tim Lane, Tim Chester, Elyse Fitzpatrick, and others. I enjoy The Journal for Biblical Counseling and find it good for my soul. I have gained much from the counsel of a friend who is a counselor, Jake Mason. Yet nothing has affected me more than the beauty of the Gospel!
The beauty of the Gospel is that HE never changes. Our response to HIM is the same, repent and believe, which is easy said than done and is why I find myself in constant need. Oh Lord let me ever cling to You! May I always cling to You! May any and all counsel sought from me reflect You above all else! Thank You for Your all sufficiency displayed so beautifully in the Gospel!
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